Four Flippin' Mondays to go

Counting the days in my work diaries. I have four Mondays left to work, three really, as my boss is away for one week.

I loathe Monday mornings especially at my job now. I've eaten so much rubbish and chocolate today and could have eaten much more. The only thing that stops is knowing how bad I'll feel in the morning.
I can't wait to wake up on Monday 17th August, a free woman! To sleep in past nine.

She's been away today. It's a funny thing. My boss isn't horrible, yet...my heart sinks as soon as she walks in. Maybe my bug bear is that she's so erratic with her impossible demands that I just know I can't cope with them anymore. For example, she told me to order 4,000 of something, when the official limit is 200. 4,000 means a lot of work - none of which she will do.

I am exhausted. Couldn't sleep last night, in spite of taking my usual Sunday night sleeping pills. I get the usual Sunday night blues. At 33, I'd have thought I'd have grown out of them.

Eight things

I love doing things like this. I like lists. It defines things.

8 Things I'm looking forward to:

Leaving my job
Making cakes to sell one day/having a small coffee shop
Holiday on Greek islands with friends
Interrailing backpacking round Europe in Sept
Being a tourist in London for two weeks, yet using my flat as a base
My friend C's birthday party at her house in Victoria on Sat
Living back at my parents house in Yorkshire for a couple of months & awaiting the birth of my nephew!
Riding regularly again

8 Things I did yesterday

Worked in Islington
Met a cute guy there who said maybe I'll find Mr Right on my travels!
Got some fantastic coffee and an absolutely delicious Feta, Cherry Tomato and Pine nut muffin from Ottolenghi
Walked home from Islington to Bayswater in the rain
Watched Vicky Christina Barcelena
Had a glass of red wine, an apple and a sliver of cheddar for tea
Snuggled in bed listening to the rain and reading a book of historial facts.
Read a few blogs, read the news on line

8 Things I wish I could do

Lose weight easily
Have the guts to always speak my mind
Work for myself, running a cafe/coffee shop - something to do with cakes anyway. And coffee!!
Write more and get paid for it
Have the imagination, stamina and brains to write a novel
Ride better
Have more energy
Wake up feeling excited not groaning!


8 Favourite Fruits

Strawberries.
Peaches
Lycees
Apples
Bananas
Raspberries
Lemons
Mango.

8 Places I'd like to travel

Southern States of America; Georgia etc
Nantucket, MA
Greek Islands
Russia
Thailand
Lichenstein
Switzerland
Austria


8 Places I've lived


Ebberston, North Yorkshire
Snainton, North Yorkshire
Allerston, North Yorkshire
Cheltenham, Gloucestershire
Cambridge
London - Bayswater & Westbourne Park
Valbonne, nr Antibes, South of France

All in a London day

I've officially stopped blogging, but I hope I'm still allowed to sporadically update when I feel like it.

Three things:

- I saw a Muslim march going past the office today, down Baker Street, protesting about the treatment of Chinese muslims

- A taxi driver decapitated himself in South London

- There was a fire in Dean Street, Soho.


Finally handed in my notice.
A glorious feeling of sheer utter relief.
I'm still struggling to drag myself out of bed in the morning, but I occasionally allow myself a small glimmer of a smile when I think of the FREEDOM ahead!

I long to go on holiday.
Somewhere like the Ionian Islands in Greece. I want to wake up feeling good, wanting to get up in the cool, early morning. To hear the goat bells in the distance. To sip coffee and nibble croissants on a terrace, wrapped in a big dressing gown, with just washed hair drying in the sun.
Then to swim in azure blue sea, flop on the beach and read, wander round pretty villages, nap, go out for dinner. Have wine. And seafood pasta. I love Greek food. Even though Greece isn't noted for it's cuisine; I thought it was among the best I've had. Fried cheese pastries. Mussels with tomatoes and cheese. Potato, courgette and tomato bake. Greek salad. Calamari.
Organising a girly hol for a few of us.

So this is my plan.

Leaving London at the end of August.
Going home, at the time of the my sister's due date.
Going to Burghley horse trials, as has been the tradition for the last nine years, with my two aunts and mum. We'll take a big picnic. Typically that's the part I'm looking forward to most. Then I want to to travel round Europe, back packing, inter railing for a few weeks.

Daren't look at finances to see if this is all feasible. Fingers crossed though.

Made a London bucket list.

Started running, making more smoothies, having apples for breakfast, doing my kettle bell exercises, having more salads - all in the interests of preparing for a new life.

Can't wait to be at home. Trying to find work that's not too consuming for Oct and Nov. Would be great to work a bit, then spend the rest of time riding, and messing around with the horses. I feel tired and spent.
Have to work tomorrow, in Islington as well. A real drag. Only consolation is that I will be in Upper Street and can at least have a wander round there after and press my nose up against the window of Ottolenghi.

There's a replacement for me to train soon. Felt so old and tired when I saw her, made me all the more convinced that I need to get out.
She's tall, slim and blonde. Highly attractive. With a cute, unusual name. A degree. Sporty, athletic; was a hockey/lacrosse captain at school. Just been travelling the world with 3 friends. Wow and she's 25. How do people get the money to travel at that age? Scared me that she apparently has been looking for work for ages too. Maybe I'm not doing the sensible thing, jacking in my job. But.
The boys perked up as soon as she walked in.

Spent this week reading a book; Monsoon by Wilbur Smith, that I last read when I brought it in Boston in 2000. Great story. Was totally gripped. Missing it now I've finished.

Reeled back in

That's me.

After work on Thurday afternoon, we all went to a pub off the Marylebone High Street.
The weather was beautiful, warm and sunny; a perfect June evening.

The frivolties actually started off at 4pm, whilst I was still immersed in paperwork. One of my colleagues went to the pub and brought me a huge glass of ice cold rose.
It was rather nice doing my work whilst sipping wine.
Very relaxing and all the stress sort of melted away.

Then we went to my boss's house for champagne. She immediately stripped down to her knickers and was kind of going in and out of her bedroom half naked, trying on dresses coming out to sip her champagne and talk to us. Hard to know where to look.

She told me later: 'I hope you know how much I appreciate you, even if I don't always show it'.

That's all very nice, but I still want to leave. Nights like this where we all feel like one big happy family make it difficult.
My colleagues told me they were clubbing together to all give me money off their deals. This is absolutely not necessary. They are on commission I am not. I was touched, but makes me feel all the more guilty!

Interesting how going out for drinks with your colleagues brings you closer. It's easier to talk. With me my resentments build up. I don't talk about them, so it builds up and it becomes even more difficult to communicate.

I had the second cigarette of my life. The first was when I was 17 years old, in the Italian Gardens in Scarborough with my naughty friend Katie and my other friend Charlie. I remember thinking it was deadly boring being stuck out in the cold and dark pretending to be cool and enjoy it.

This may be good bye!

Sorry for closing my blog with no explanation.

I took my blog off for a few days, as I had a suspicion that someone had been snooping on my laptop and found my blog.
Not really sure whether I'm being paranoid or not.

I think I've pretty much come to the end of the blogging road anyway. I set it up in 2006 where I had so much to write about; like how amazing I found London and my horrible horrible love life (although at that time I actually still hoped that it would turn out alright in the end).

Well it didn't. And that's fine.

It could almost have turned into a weight loss blog except I never actually lost any weight and all the time I've been in London I've put on weight.

This is what I've had today, a typical example!:

B - sliced peaches
L - prawn salad
T - 3 Ben's Cookies, sausage & mash

It's been such a grey, turgid sort of day. Sometimes I eat to pass the time or to block out the sheer ordinariness of the day! And also today I ate because, although my boss has blissfully been off for a few days, I know she will be back in full force tomorrow.

Truth be told, I'm probably going to be leaving London pretty soon anyway.

I have, in spite of everything, loved living in London.
Have never once regretted it. I've met some wonderful friends, that I hope I will keep. Had lovely weekends always, nights and days, occasions, parties, weddings, trips and moments. I've had freedom to spend my time as I wish. And a part of me enjoys the fact that I have no dogs to walk, horses to ride and muck out, gardens to weed, hell, meals to cook. I don't even have to clean!! I've enjoyed living where I do, in my cosy room overlooking a court yard, with a light bright huge kitchen and proximity to cafes and coffee and the cinema. I've always loved the location; in West London, near Notting Hill & Kensington Palace and felt priviliged to live in such a beautiful area (although my street Queensway isn't quite so glamourous!).

Since being here; I've travelled, back packed by myself, worked in Mayfair, Knightsbridge, Bayswater and Marylebone. Played squash. Ran. Played badminton. Done a writing course. A kettlebells course. Joined a book club. A walking club.
I've explored, had boyfriends, dated, had sex even.

The greatest disappointment for me has been that I never got to see the two men I really wanted to see. I moved to London, hoping that they'd want to see me and meet up with me again. And maybe they did, but only ever for all the wrong reasons.
In hindsight, I was stupid and naive and attracted to the wrong men.
I'm a genius for spinning a full blown love story out of nothing.
I actually find it frightening how different my dreams and hopes are from the reality.
And actually, all things considered, I'm glad I didn't get what I wanted, it would have been a disaster.
Anyway, I've survived and learnt a few lessons; including - you can get through disappointment, humiliation, heart break, rejection and find it doesn't matter much and there's always a new day and something to look forward to.
There's always another way.

Blogging has been an incredible experience. I still get a thrill everytime someone reads and comments. I have been very lucky in that no one has been nasty. I think I'd have shut my blog down right away if they had! What has amazed me the most, is the camarderie and niceness of other bloggers and the sort of support system. It's also reassuring to read of people going through the same sort of experiences.

One great thing about now as opposed to then, and this could be also partly down to blogging therapy, is that I'm actually not as miserable as I used to be. I don't get as upset or depressed quite as much. At one point it was so bad, I often found I had things scheduled yet couldn't bear to go. It was such an effort to drag myself somewhere. This is due, to not having so much man anxiety in my life, but also I have this dictum now, that I will never let anyone interrupt my sleep. No one is that important to make me lose sleep, unless it's friends or family and for a good reason, of course.

I'm excited about the future. I have a yearning to be free again. I've actually realised although I quite enjoy my actual job, I've never felt really happy doing it because I've always felt very hemmed in by it and dominated by my various managers.
That's the trouble when you work for other people. You always have to worry about them. I've never been good at standing up for myself.

I finally paid off my mortgage a few weeks ago, so I sort of feel that I do not need to be tied down to a secure job anymore, I can sort of travel and try and work on what I really want to do - or find out what that is!

Country retreat

Been in Stroud for the weekend, staying with a friend and her partner.
Their place is cottage like, with a slighly uphill sloping garden, going up from the kitchen, so you can look out of the window on to it.
The flowers are all pinks, blues, purples and it's got a real old fashioned English appeal to it.
J has a terrace, with a wooden table and chairs.
We walked briefly between showers, going through woods of wild pungent garlic, leaves dripping with water, coming out on to a sharply sloping hillside like a knife edge, overlooking the Slad Valley, where you could see Bristol in the distance.

J took me to meet her next door neighbour, an 80 year old Jewish lady, who'd been born in Belgium, (mmmmm, choc), Australia, Israel and then finally Stroud. J said she'd seen photos where she looked really very fat, yet here she was, a very young looking, sprightly trim octagenerian. She makes cakes every week, and some of the best brownies, J said.

I slept on a futon with cotton sheets, duvet and pillows and had one of those wonderful restoring sleeps.
We ate out in an Italian restuarant in the town on Saturday night, (mozarella in carrozza, pizza with prawn and garlic) then J said 'to bed with a book?'

So good to crawl in between the sheets, put the lamp on and read and it's so peaceful there.
I love listening to the rain and wind outside and seeing the shark grey sky darken.

This morning, J cooked a primary coloured breakfast of scrambled eggs, with the yellowest yolks, cherry tomatoes and sweet peppers (have never seen than combination for breakfast) and veggie sausages. She brewed coffee. There was a white linen table cloth. We had pancakes, with lemon and syrup. Grapefruit juice. The papers.

They live very well, with good food and a wall shelf filled with books.
Their house is tasteful and cosy, with an open fireplace, squashy sofa, wooden floorboards, piano and the bathroom has products decanted into glass jars. On the windowsills and surfaces there are little piles of shells and pebbles from the beach.

I said to J and H, I liked having couple role models in my life. Because I'm getting so cynical and think so many men are rubbish, it warms the cockles of my stone cold heart, seeing couples getting on well and having a lovely life together. They were nice to each other - very gentle, making fun of each other, but in a nice way.
J even said: 'I'm very happy, I've got everything I want, healthy, a garden, job, nice house...'

May Day

I was so excited about my former Austrian flatmate coming to London that I was frightened something might go wrong.
Couldn't wait for Friday night.
Was wearing my blue Monsoon dress, black heels, lapis lazulis stone necklace, waiting eagerly at Bayswater station at 7.30pm.
And there she was.
Taxi to the Cook Book cafe at the Park Lane Intercontinental.
The restaurant was large, very quiet, with views of leafy trees.
Was so nice to just talk and catch up on every little aspect; work, life, family, men, husbands, friends, flatmates over wine, with no noisy distractions or time limits.
We ate: smoked salmon with crab and potted shrimp, skate and saute spuds, then a chocolate cake with mocha ice cream.
One of the best choc cakes I've ever had (and I've had a few in my time!) - very rich, moist and they even provided a little jug of chocolate sauce.

I awoke on Saturday morning feeling wonderful, as it was like the first day of the holidays, with having Monday off.
The sun was shining and I showered then rushed down to Pat Valeries for a latte and a hazlenut croissant.
We met at the Wellcome Collection on Euston Road, again, this time with two more friends, for lunch.
The cafe there is in a big open plan room, with plenty of light and pink, orange and green seats. There was smoked salmon and cream cheese quiche or goat's cheese and tomato quiches, plus potato salad/green salad plus cupcakes, biscuits and tarts.
There was a knitting group meeting going on at the same time.
More catching up, then we looked at some of the exhibition - mainly a collection of drawings by an artist suffering a mental breakdown.
Other parts of the museum were about the body.
I stopped when I got to a section which housed 700 diet books. I planted myself on a seat and flicked through some till everyone else had finished seeing the museum.
My favourite book was 'The Chocolate Lovers Diet' - which basically said you use chocolate to comfort yourself or as a crux when you're bored - don't.


Saturday was all about talking, laughing, wandering, eating and drinking.
We sat outside in the sun at Euston station, drinking hot chocolate/coffee from Pauls and eating Krispy Kremes (except - no donuts for me).

We ambled down Tottenham Court Road, through Soho and on to Mayfair, window shopping.

Dinner was at Sketch on Conduit Street.
I had risotto.
Everyone said 'you have to go to the loo here'.

Then, it was drinks in Soho.

I was sooo tired at the end. Must up my stamina.

Left around midnight.
I was so happy to see her - still felt as comfortable as ever - it was so easy, and so fun - she's always nice.

S had brought me some Sacher Torte from Hotel Sacher in Vienna and a recipe book on Cupcakes as a belated birthday.

So, I'm afraid, I laid in bed on my silk sheets, on Sunday morning, loving having a relaxing start to the day, eating Sacher Torte for breakfast, reading 'One Fifth Avenue' by Candance Bushnell.

Met up with A, an Australian friend in the afternoon, to wander round the canal boat show in Maida Vale, taking photos, and peering into the boats.

He cooked dinner for me at his new flat in Kilburn.
I was impressed.
He did trout, with a garlic, herb and olive oil dressing, new potatoes and broccoli, followed by Gu chocolate puddings.

Monday, met up with C & C for a late lunch at Ping Pong on Great Malborough Street. We were all slightly subdued, I know I wasn't happy that the lovely bank hol was ending.
I caught the tube down to Wimbledon where I did my first kettlebell class.
Hard, hard work, I was puffing.
Today, I ache everywhere, but it's a good, exercised ache.
I'm not stiff, or walking like John Wayne. Can't wait to do it all again tomorrow night.
One girl said she'd done it before and lost 3/4 of a stone in two months.

That's everything apart from that there was major excitement this morning, when the entire Manchester United team trooped by our office door.
I was amazed to see how ordinary and unnattractive the majority of them looked.